When You Discover Your Spouse’s Infidelity: 4 Things You Shouldn’t Do
When you find out your spouse is cheating, what would you do? You might feel tempted to hire a private detective, investigate the other person, or take some immediate action. But did you know certain responses could backfire? Here are four things you should avoid doing after uncovering your partner’s infidelity.
1. Letting Your Spouse Know You’re Suspicious
In an attempt to catch your partner cheating, you might try to unlock their phone or look through it while they’re bathing or out. While it’s true that a smartphone often holds evidence, be careful. For instance, if you open a messaging app and change unread messages to “read,” or hand the phone back unlocked, your partner may realize you’re onto them.
Why is it a problem if they know you suspect something? Think of it from their perspective—if they feel you’re suspicious, they’ll hide their affair more carefully, delete their message history, and destroy the evidence you need. If you later decide to file for divorce on grounds of infidelity, and they’ve erased all trace of wrongdoing, you’ll have a much harder time proving anything. It’s often safer to act as if you know nothing for now.
2. Becoming Overly Emotional and Confrontational
Your spouse’s cheating is a terrible betrayal, and it’s natural to feel hurt and angry. You might want to confront them and demand an explanation. But if you’re considering divorce or seeking compensation (such as alimony), staying calm can work to your advantage.
How might your spouse react if you confront them emotionally? Most people don’t readily admit to cheating just because they’re asked. If they deny it, you may end up at a stalemate, and as mentioned before, they’ll likely hide or destroy any evidence. Investigating can then become more complicated, taking a toll on you both emotionally and financially.
Additionally, attempting to gather evidence on your own during an emotional period can lead to mistakes—even legal violations—that might hurt your case later. Keep a cool head and think strategically about your next steps.
3. Contacting the Other Person
You might discover the identity of the other person by chance and feel tempted to reach out to them. Understandable—your anger isn’t just directed at your spouse. You may want to see their face or give them a piece of your mind. However, contacting the other party is risky.
What if you’re mistaken about their involvement? Without concrete proof, they could threaten to sue you for defamation. Even if they are involved, they may demand evidence or team up with your spouse to destroy any trace of their affair.
Most importantly, consider your emotional state. Seeing the person your spouse cheated with can push you over the edge. You might behave irrationally or even become aggressive. Unless you’re absolutely sure you can remain calm and use the meeting to your advantage, it’s better not to meet them at all.
4. Trying to Collect Evidence Yourself
Once you know your spouse is cheating, you might feel compelled to gather hard proof. While you can find plenty of tips online (like taking photos of your spouse and the other person entering and leaving a hotel multiple times), this is easier said than done.
In reality, perfectly timing your surveillance, knowing exactly where and when they’ll meet, and capturing clear, definitive photos is extremely difficult. Staking out a hotel or following your spouse to work may take enormous time and skill. Tail monitoring (following by car, bike, or on foot) is not as simple as it looks in TV shows—it’s easy to be spotted or lose track of the target. A novice’s attempt could even lead to accidents or other legal complications.
Leave the Investigation to Professionals
After hearing all these potential pitfalls, you may feel like there’s nothing you can do. However, by hiring a private detective or an investigation agency, you can safely and reliably obtain concrete evidence. If you plan to divorce due to infidelity, their “investigation report” can serve as a crucial piece of evidence. This report often includes professional-quality photos showing repeated visits to a hotel and other incriminating details. Since it’s compiled by a neutral, experienced third party, it can be more convincing in court.
Professional investigators have the knowledge, experience, and tools to discreetly gather proof. They minimize the risk of getting caught and avoid mistakes that can arise from amateur attempts—such as targeting the wrong person.
Conclusion
It’s natural to want your spouse to admit their wrongdoing and stop their affair the moment you discover it. However, your immediate response can greatly influence future negotiations, divorce terms, and your emotional well-being. Before rushing to act, think carefully about what you really want long-term. If you need solid evidence, consider consulting a professional investigator or agency. It’s often the safer, more effective way to protect your interests.
